Be part of the solution or part of the problem —


A lot of what we teach our children lies in the choices we make. We make choices every day. Lots of them. Nothing could be more true when we talk about either being part of the solution or part of the problem. But before we can even get to being part of a solution, we must first recognize there is a problem, and then clearly define the problem. We don’t have a chance of solving or changing anything until we acknowledge there is a problem. Then, if we do not clearly define the problem, then we risk solving the wrong problem.

Clearly defining a problem allows us to move into the mode of problem-solving. It allows us to define the ideal state or future state where we want to be. Then build a plan to systematically get from the present state to the future state or as close as we can to the ideal state. A clearly defined problem allows us to recognize and define hurdles or limits that can have an effect on our plan and resolution. The ideal state may not be achievable due to the reality of limitations, but that shouldn’t stop us from getting as close as we can. For example, what if the ideal state requires more money than we have at the moment, or maybe it requires a technology we don’t have access too yet. The key is yet.

It allows us to move into the realm of being part of a solution. Do not mistake this for solving the problem and having all the answers. Being part of a solution means bringing to the table thought and ideas.

What does this have to do with parenting? Everything! As parents, we are solving problems every day whether it is how to get the bills paid or how to get kids from one place to another. Whether or not we realize we are accomplishing this or not, we are doing it. We subconsciously move through these steps every day. The trick is to consciously acknowledge we do this. No, I am not suggesting that we do this to every decision, but I believe many times it’s easier to throw stones rather than dig in and be part of a solution. Let’s take an example, The President is taking summer school Spanish. This comes with its own issues, but he ran into an issue with one of his tests where the test was fill in the blank, free text. The auto-graded test marked everything wrong unless it was exactly written as the teacher had written. His answers were right. He drafted an email to his professor. 

"Dear ×××××× 
I need your guidance. On the quiz today, for the fill in the blank test, the test graded my answers as incorrect. I reviewed the correct answers and my answers are correct. The test asked for free text answers" ...and he went on to describe one or two examples.

Then he became part of the solution. He did not throw stones at the professor, or blame a system etc.

"Can you help me with guidance on how to interpret the question better and what queues I can use to guide my answer closer to the expected answer. I have found help at the following sources but would appreciate your guidance so I don't make the same mistake again. "

The president clearly defined the problem as he saw it and justified his thoughts. Then he provided to the professor what steps he was taking to solve the problem, acknowledging he did not have all the answers.

Again – what he chose not to do…throw stones at the professor blaming the online system for not working.

The professor replied that he recognized the system limitations and was hand grading the tests. He also provided the president with tips for using the system and other sites for additional help. They were both parts of the solution.

Lets take a step back. How did my son know to do this? It starts with us as parents, it starts with teaching our kids to be part of the solution. Some thing as simple as ‘mom, i cant find my shoes”

This is how this goes on #TeamJackson:

Kiddo: I cant find my shoes.
Parent: Whos responsibility are the shoes?
Kiddo: Mine.
Parent: So the classic question, "where did you have them last?" (well duh, if we knew this, we would know where they are right? But admit it, you have said this!)
Kiddo: Uh, if i knew that....Can you help me find them.?
Parent: (i am not free labor, and my time is valuable, i planned to do something else i wanted other than look for shoes) Sure, be glad to, but in exchange for my help you are going to have to help me. Savvy?

Let the search commence. So we find the shoes in a place other than the closet.

Parent. How did they get here?

Kiddo: Insert amazing story about aliens scooping up shoes for scientific experiments and dropping them where we found them. 
Parent: Seriously? what do we need to do so this doesnt happen again? and we are not talking to aliens.

We define what happened – ah-ha! Define the problem! And now the kids are part of the solution. They take ownership of the action that resulted in losing the shoes and take ownership of the solution. Note, your solution won’t work, it’s yours you are not your kids… It has to be their solution. You can influence their solution greatly but the key is for them to own it.

My kids have come up with some ingenious and off the wall solutions, but since they own part of the solution…they make it work.

When this process is ingrained in the kids daily for simple things, being part of the solution, and bringing ideas to the table becomes part of their nature, it becomes part of their natural abilities and most importantly, it is the expectation. If you are not accustomed to problem-solving in this manner, it will feel uncomfortable. This takes work. but the more you do it, the more comfortable it will become. It will become second nature.

Off we go to try again tomorrow!