In previous posts, we talked about including our kids in decision making. I wanted to look at this more closely. Do our kids participate in all of our decisions, absolutely not! Many times I may have already made a decision, but I ask for their thoughts. I also ask if they think I made the right decision/choice. One, I find their thought processes intriguing, so inquiring mind wants to know, but two, it gives me the opportunity to discuss why I made the decision. Again, a teaching moment.

My children can respectfully question a decision. A whole lot of parenting brains just blew up! Yes, if done RESPECTFULLY, my children can question my decision. While I also feel that a “no” may mean “no,” if I can supply the child with a “why” for the decision I made, they now have the insight into my thought process, can understand my logic and I have a gut check on my part. No one is perfect. They may not agree with my logic, but they have a chance to understand it.

I do a lot of listening…..a lot.

Our conversation goes something like this:
Child: Mom, can I play my video game
Mom: No, not tonight, it’s a school night. Thoughts? ( I invited the conversation so I now have to listen)
Child: I thought that since I had done my homework, I am ready for school and helped clean up after dinner I could play for a little bit. (My child is now trying to negotiate, but isn’t this really the critical thinking we want, being able to justify a response? We are conversing, no attitude, manipulation maybe.)

At this point I always reconsider. But let’s discuss if I stick to my “no”:
Parent: those are all good reasons, and my answer is still no.

Most of the time there is not much whining or arguing. My kids had the opportunity to explain their point of view, I invited it. If I choose, we can discuss more, but that’s my prerogative as a parent. I have gotten “that’s frustrating”, or other simple comments, which as long as it’s respectful. No worries in my mind.

So let’s consider if I considered their thought process and they had made a few good points I hadn’t thought of:
Parent: you know, you did a good job of explaining your thoughts, I didn’t think of that, sure, go play but you have 20 mins when time is up it’s up. Clear?

Kid; an exclamation of joy, maybe a leap of joy and thanks.

Once you adopt this behavior, it becomes natural. It may seem really odd at first, but you are engaging in behaviors and engaging life skills. Yes, it takes extra energy and time, but I would argue that I signed up for this when I became a parent.

Make no mistake, during this entire conversation, I am the parent and I am making the decision, but I am also choosing to build my child’s ability to think critically and engage in a civil debate. I also know I am far from perfect, and there is a 0% chance I get this 100% right.

There is a 0% chance I get this 100% right

Joseph Richardson pHD

This brings us to another question as parents; our infallibility. There is a thought that a parent knows everything, knows best, or is always right. I have no problem with my kids understanding that I am not always right, nor do I know everything. In fact, when I don’t have an answer, we learn together and will find an answer. Google knows right? We use Google a lot.

However, when it comes to decisions, while the kiddos may disagree with my answer or my decision, they are obligated to respect it.

This concept is very similar to working with teams and coming to a supportable decision. I am not necessarily interested in every team member agreeing. I am interested in the thought and logic behind their opinion and I am interested in reaching a point where we can agree to disagree and reach a consensus to support the decision moving forward.

There are much research and guidance into building successful teams in the workplace, and many of those principles apply to build a family and a team. We can discuss this in the following post.

But for now….We will try again tomorrow.