We have talked about being a team as a family, so why not continue? Team decision making is no exception. This is one of those areas where it takes a lot of practice. This is also one of those areas where listening comes in handy. So let’s kick this post off with an example.

There are people that love to travel for their job. Traveling has just never been my thing. At one point in my life I traveled a lot, but I am over it. We do it for vacations, but that’s my limit. When it comes to my job, I very much dislike traveling for my job when it takes me away from my family. But sometimes I need to. When I signed up for my job I signed up for 1 week a year. Everything else is a bonus. One thing I believe very much is that if I as a parent don’t teach my kiddos to make decisions, then how can I expect my child to ever make a decision when life gets hard. With that said when I am asked to travel, my response is “before I can say yes, I need to check with my family.” ALL of my family. So here’s how it goes. I pull up my work calendar and my personal calendar and my family calendar and see what is planned for that week. If it is packed, then most likely, no I can’t travel, but I am going to do the due diligence of checking with my husband. If the week is clear, and my husband is agreeable, I sit down with my kids and ask them. (Let me clarify, it’s not like I call a family meeting and we all come to the table and fuss and discuss. It’s more like we are at dinner and discuss) My kids have veto authority. I tell them what travel is, and why my work would like me to go. Then I make sure they understand they have full veto authority on whether I go or not. If anyone vetoes, I don’t go. We will talk about my and their concerns about going or not, apprehensions, etc. They haven’t given me a veto yet, but if they do. I won’t go. My family is first. I made that clear when I took the job. I am a mom first. My employer was fine with that, and if they hadn’t been, I wouldn’t have accepted the job. I truly understand not all of us have this luxury of deciding to travel, but I am merely illustrating my point about involving the team in decisions that can impact the team.

Let’s think about this for a minute. My children are 17, 12 and 15. They are able to reason. So this makes more sense than if my children were 2, but stick with me nonetheless. What am I conveying to my children in my actions? First, my actions put them first. My actions are telling them that their opinions matter, their thoughts matter, they are part of a team #TeamJackson. Second, I am setting an example for thinking through decisions. When we talk through why I am being asked to travel, I am walking through a thought process (not to be confused with the correct thought process) that they can try and eventually mold to what works for them. Trust me, this thought process changes a lot and we discuss different things each time this comes up.

Let’s walk through another decision. The decision to move to my current job. In my previous job, I was happy, enjoyed it tremendously, and had no intention of ever leaving it, I fully intended to retire there. However, I was asked to come to my current job. So I entertained the offer. First and foremost I did a lot of praying and chatting with God (another post) and did a lot of research. Second I talked with my family. Any decision I made with my job impacts my family so they should be a part of the decision. And they were. I talked with my husband and we did all the normal cost-benefit analysis, tossing the idea around, playing devil’s advocate, looking at it from all sides, poking holes in it from every angle. We are both engineers, would you expect less? But I also talked to each of my children. We are runners, so I took my youngest for a run and we talked about the job. The fact that I would have to travel one week a year, but also the benefits that came with working on a military base. Y’all, 3 miles is a long time to talk with a 9-year-old about the same subject. But I would talk, then he would and I would listen, and we would talk about his thought about it. I did the same thing with my older 2, not running because they are way faster than me, but in surroundings that were comfortable to them. I talked about my fears, my excitement, my apprehensions, and everything in between. I used examples they could relate to like I was apprehensive like getting on a roller coaster you have never been on before, you think it’s going to be fun but it’s still scary. How else could I get them to understand my feelings? I guess I could assume that scary to me was scary to them, but using an example gave less room for misunderstanding. When I couldn’t come up with an example, I asked them to tell me what they thought “scary” meant to them. They will give you examples, maybe that should come with a warning. The examples may include you.

  • The Great one: So if you travel for a week, will we have food?
  • Me: (That question came from nowhere) Yes, baby, you will have food.
  • The Great one: NO mom, I mean real food that we can eat.
  • Me: (wondering where in the hell is he going with this) Yes, real food you can eat.
  • The Great one: I know I don’t like some of the food you cook – but I mean the good stuff.
  • Me (I think that was a compliment): Yes Nate, I promise you will have food.
  • The Great one: So you are going to teach dad how to cook cause, he only cooks scrambled eggs. You know I don’t like those and not every meal every day.
  • Me (now laughing inside, and trying desperately not to laugh on the outside): Your dad can cook some good stuff, he will make sure you are good with food.(in my most reassuring voice possible)
  • The Great one: Well, he does know how to order pizza.

To be fair – Special K can cook well – He just doesn’t, because when we divided up responsibilities, I enjoy cooking more. When you engage your kids, be prepared for brutal honesty.

So why am I including my kids in this decision again? I wanted my kids to see that decision making is tough, and there is a lot to consider. I wanted them to understand the thought process that I was using to really think this through. If anyone of them had said “no,” I wouldn’t have made the move.

I know, many of you are thinking this is ludicrous, talking to a then 9-year-old about my job choice. “For real, I am the parent I make the decisions.” Yep, totally get that! My question to you is “why not?” My son is going to have to make a decision, at least one in his lifetime. Really, is it better for him to watch me go through this process, and learn what to do, or not to do? Or go blindly into a situation?

So what does this have to do with being a team? My changing jobs had the potential to impact #TeamJackson. Shouldn’t the team at least have the opportunity to have a say? I think so. By discussing this with the kids, they are now part of the decision process, they are now bought into the decision. In this case, they agreed, but they don’t always, sometimes we agree to disagree, but that is another post. We are now a team going into this new job, and we all understand what the job means, what may change and what may not. #TeamJackson made the decision together.

Here is an important consideration. If you ask your kids or other individuals to participate, you must be willing to listen and accept whatever that individual says, not agree with, but accept. (Accept vs Agree future post). If you are not willing to do this, then don’t ask. Let me say that again. You must be willing to – in this order- LISTEN and accept. Not listen while scrolling through your phone. STOP and listen. You asked, so it is your responsibility to actively listen. If you aren’t willing to pause for just a moment then don’t ask.

No, we don’t do this for every decision, but when appropriate we do. You are the parents so you decide when it’s appropriate. A lot of times even if I have made a decision, I will still ask their opinions, not because I intend to change my mind, but again I am truly interested in their thoughts, reasoning and their points of view.

Be prepared to listen to their feelings, and be prepared to be honest about yours. Be prepared for your kids to tell you, “Mom, you are being silly.” They will call it as they see it. You will get honest feedback. While we work on tact, a 9-year-old is not necessarily the most tactful. But I promise you, they will tell you what they think. Each child will be different. My middle son thought about it on his own for a day or so, then we chatted. Each child was a different conversation because I had to meet each child where they were comfortable, and each one had different thoughts. We also talked about it as a group. It was a big decision.

I promise you, if you include your child in the decision-making process, you will learn a lot about your decision and about your child. You will build trust and bond with your child. They will know you value them and they are part of a family, a team. You may even need to invest in cooking lessons….

Well that was a long one. Off we go to try again tomorrow…