In Special K and my opinion learning to agree to disagree is one of the biggest things we are lacking. Learning to debate and justify a stance opposite of what you believe is an art all its own. We frequently debate. Yes we intentionally debate!

In previous posts, I have talked about how our children are allowed to respectfully question our decisions. Once the respectful aspect dissapates the discussion is over.

With 3 teenagers in the house, there can be a lot of disagreements or at least opportunities for disagreements. There is also a lot of opportunities to listen and discuss. Lots of opportunities to debate and explore. Mental Gymnastics if you will.

Let me set the stage where many of our discussions start. We intentionally have dinner together most nights. There are nights when we are unable to actually sit down at the table and eat due to schedules but most nights, we sit down and if at no other time we experience the art of communication. No devices! no TV – just good ‘ole conversation.

These conversations allow us to take sides in debates about current events. As you can imagine we all have different views. And we discuss those views. A long time ago, both my husband and I went through Franklin Covey’s Courses. From attending those courses we have acquired the coveted “talking stick”. Really any object works, but since we have a talking stick. We use it. The concept behind the talking stick is simple. The person and only the person with the talking stick in their possession gets to talk. Everyone else has to listen. This takes practice. We all have one mouth and 2 ears, which for the logistician implies that we should listen twice as much as we speak. This does not come naturally, it takes lots of practice! Lots of reminding and asking who has the stick, and who is allowed to talk. The point being we use the stick for our dinner discussions. It helps make sure everyone has a chance to talk and everyone gets heard. If Special K and I notice one of our kids is not participating, we make sure they get an opportunity. Giving them an opportunity is different than making them talk which is also different than being engaged. Being engaged at dinner is not an option. Participating in the conversation is also required. Participating may mean active listening. Not everyone necessarily has to voice an opinion in every conversation.

This is where the fun begins. What happens if we all take a similar stance or the same side of a potential discussion? Glad you asked! As if I wasn’t leading you there. It used to be just the Special one and me but now the kids join and we intentionally take the opposite stance. You heard it. We actually take the stance opposite to what we really believe. We have actually taught our children how to do this. What better way to truly understand what you believe, than to have to justify the opposite stance, have to justify what the other side believes. Point – counterpoint! Is this a fluid debate like debate class? Nope. Do we use our devices intermittently to look up information support our discussion – yes but only with specific boundaries.

Ah, do the discussions get heated? Of course, they do. We are passionate about what we believe.

Rules: Be thick Skinned, do not take it personally, do not be personal.

First we have to be thicked skinned. We are family and a team, and our intention in discussion is to gain understanding. It is not to knock down anyone or critizize anyone. We are also not going to take anything personally nor are we going to be personal. Calling names, and taking jabs are strictly not allowed. Some of you might recognize what I am doing here as setting ground rules. You would be exactly right. Ground rules wether setting them for a family dinner discussion, a school assignment or a public speaking event – the intentional setting of ground rules is a necessity in life and will be it’s own seperate blog.

Part of learning to debate a subject is learning to discuss objectively points within a conversation without belittling another point of view, learning to use “facts” to back up your point, learning to have an open mind, that your point of view is not the only point of view, nor is your point of view correct or incorrect. Your point of view, and very much your opinion is exactly, yours. Not right. Not wrong. Just yours. Your open mind does not mean that you will or will not adopt someone else’s point of view, but it does mean you will be open to consider that someone else thinks differently, sees the world differently and can provide a different set of lenses from which something can always be learned. These points are very much embodied in our family discussions anywhere, anytime.

Do people get mad and angry – not generally if we stick to our ground rules. If that does occur, it is because mostly, we don’t adhere to the talking stick. Oh.. Parenting Moment! Who gets to own the talking stick when there is a disagreement? Woo Hoo! The Parents. Yepo! Parenting has its moments! Who gets to remind folks of the rules. Yep – us! As a parent not only do you participate – but you get to be the Referee! Make sure you have a yellow card or a flag (you choose your sport – We choose soccer). Can we tell someone that their comment was out of bounds, or personal – ABSOLUTELY! Can we tell someone their point was wrong – never! Can we give someone a proverbial yellow card? Yep! Whatever works for you!

Parenting note: – you have to manage the conversation. Until your kids learn how not to verbally assault one another, or how not to verbally attack one another and learn an ounce of tact, you have to manage the conversation. You will spend a lot of time doing this at first. You will spend a lot of time being the referee. But Relax. It gets better. The more accustomed your kids get to debating, the easier it gets. Important note: The rules apply to you as a parent too! If you enter the debate, the rules apply to you. Oh and by the way, if you use the talking stick – totally expect your kids to call you out for talking without the stick.

So what does agreeing to disagree have to do with these conversations? That is ultimately where we end up a lot with our conversations. There is not a winning side or a losing side, nor is there a right side or a wrong side. We can agree, We can disagree but we can also agree to disagree. Once you understand that point the discussions become so much richer. Agreeing to disagree does not mean I agree with the other person’s points, opinions, or views, but it does mean that I recognize we are different, have different thoughts, feelings and opinions and it is okay. It does not mean I like or don’t like an opinion it means that our opinions are just different and we are cool with that.

We have also now inadvertently created a safe spot in our family to explore differing opinions thoughts and feelings, where it is okay to speak thoughts and views respectfully. Where our team can just be and exist. If you have been following this blog, you have now just created one of the foundations of a Family team!

Will the conversations go smoothly, of course not. Sometimes they still don’t. Will they be awkward, sometimes they still are. Will you learn about your kids and set amazing foundations. Absolutely.

Enjoy debating! Never give up – we will try again tomorrow.